2012

(2009) **1/2

Or as I like to call it: Trope-a-thon or What a Bunch of Crap or Knock Some Shit Down Already.

Julie and I watched this from Netflix over the weekend. Our tag-team review follows. There are spoilers coming up, but believe me, you don't care.

I'm not sure how to adequately describe the idiocy posing as the scientific basis for this plot. When Armageddon came out there was all the back chatter about the possibilities of actually being struck by a killer asteroid. This movie tries for the same thing with the popular hooey attributed to the poor Mayans, and then after dragging their good name through the mud it decides to give our friend the neutrino a hard time. Apparently neutrinos are known for passing through matter and doing nothing and bothering nobody, but this time they -- gasp! -- do something! "They've transformed into completely different particles!" Which is about the same as saying the plot is magic. "Oh my God! With (science words) like that, epic, sweeping events will occur! (cough! science...)"

Julie sez: While there were many logical flaws that made themselves immediately apparent, only later did this one drift to the surface of my mind. Hero scientist Chiwetel Ejiofor flies 20 hours and interrupts the President's Chief of Staff at a dinner party with urgent news--news sooooo incredibly urgent it cannot wait for a proper appointment. And then--THREE YEARS LATER, the shit goes down in LA. I mean, I understand, three years isn't a long time to mobilize the salvation of the human race, animal species, and great works of art. But come on. Wait until after the party for criminy's sake. And then how the hell do you expect this whole thing will stay a secret when you bust into a party and announce, "I've got urgent geological news that all the leaders of the Earth need to see!" Do you really think everyone at the party is just like, "Man, whatever. That guy is just talking shit. Oh, looks like the Chief of Staff is pretty upset--you know, whetEVer, I need to get my drink on here."

Octo: Whether you watch this whole movie or not, it is worth the effort to check out the scene of Los Angeles's destruction. It's a two-part chase scene, (limo, plane), but the car full of bad guys has been replaced with EVERYTHING FALLING EVERYWHERE. It's pretty cool. Roland Emmerich may make you want to bang your head on a wall, but he knows his spectacle. And if you've gotten that far you might as well get to Yellowstone erupting. And so on.

BUT, when I say "worth the effort" and "you might as well get to," I honestly think your time will be served better to just fast forward to these scenes. The LA quake is the first real jazz in this movie, and I think it was at least 45 minutes in.

And the stereotypical human drama is some of the most boilerplate stuff you've ever seen. I like Chiwetel Ejiofor well enough (I always want to see actors from all things Firefly do well), but I wanted to kick his whiny ass when he does the impassioned speech about saving our very humanity along with our lives. And it's all crap! He's just trying to get with the President's daughter Thandie Newton, who's there watching the speech with a painful knot of Impassioned Concern on her brow.

Julie Sez: I disagree. The emotional scenes of this movie were absolutely the best part for me. It was like watching the Rocky Horror Picture Show or something. I like Amanta Peet and John Cusack well enough that I figured they were kind of slumming it in this movie. I mean, as much as anyone can be slumming it in the tentpole movie of the year and making millions of dollars. I like to think that Cusack spent every day hitting the bong, which probably contributed to the fact that I actually believed most of his lines, even considering the whole Bad Dad Who Finally Comes Through in a Tragedy thing is so definitely played out. He played it one more time anyway, and he did an okay job. And then you have Amanda Peet, sort of looking around and going, "Wow. This is totally different from TV." I mean, she didn't actually ever say that, but she might as well have. It's like, yep, after whatever acting training you might have had, you get to play a woman unhappy with her ex who marries a surgeon, a surgeon she just might not be in love with anymore. Watch out, this could be the role that pushes you right over the edge. I mean, there's Hedda Gabler, Lady MacBeth, and then there's bitchy coal-digging sarcastic mom who still gets horny for her writer ex husband--that's gotta muster up a wellspring of emotional depth heretofore untapped--Oh, why am I even bothering with the thick layers of useless sarcasm--women in these movies are a friggin' nightmare.

Octo: and now an array of pointed questions for 2012 regarding the giant apocalypse-proof escape arks:

Why have only one giant hatch?

And why oh why build it so you can't start the engines unless it's sealed?

And if that's so important, what's the point of the interior decks being sealed off with automatic bulkheads?

And I'll sign off with the following:

Woody Harrelson, playing Lone Nutjob Who Knows, shows John Cusack his blog which features a flash-animated recap of the plot. Which means this movie copies from one of the worst parts of Jurassic Park

In the end the waters recede and our hero gets to go out with the President's daughter. Which means this movie copies from some of the worst parts of Deep Impact and Mars Attacks

Julie sez: No matter how you criticize this movie, it is totally rad to see the world come apart. And the cheesiness? It kind of says to me that the film's producer's had the same cynical approach to the making of this film that Oliver Platt's character had to the making of the ships. It's all about the Benjamins, baby. They phoned it in on character and story development, not to mention plausibility. And you can almost see Oliver Platt, jaded Secretary of Staff, saying, "Because audiences don't fucking care about that." We all know we want to see giant waves destroy cities. End of story! I almost wish they'd just gone the extra step and hired Will Ferrell to play the lead and just made all the corny dialogue actually funny dialogue. But still have shit crack apart and slide into the ocean. See people? This is why you need Julie as a development exec. Look at the entertainment that awaits you once I take over in this town.

But still, I was excited to see this one, and even in all its disappointingness, it didn't disappoint. So I guess cynicism reigns supreme in Hollywood. Um, again.