HHD: Things you suck at

Confession time; I can’t throw a football. It’s true and it’s just one of the many things I suck at. Over the years people have tried to show me how to properly execute a perfect spiral, however any and all attempts at throwing a football result in sheer embarrassment (picture the ball flipping end over end and you get the picture). One of my greatest fears is walking past people playing football and having the ball land somewhere near me; “Hey buddy, a little help?” No words strike mortal fear in my heart more than being asked to throw a football to someone. For some reason this seems to happen to me a lot. I’ve learned to “walk” the football over and hand it to the individual who referred to me as “buddy” [I hate that, by the way]. To add insult to injury my 10 year old son can throw a perfect spiral and on more than one occasion has asked me to play with him. I do it out of paternal duty but I die a little inside. I picture Ben in a shrink’s office some day saying, “My low self-esteem comes from throwing a football with my father…”

Like I said, football is only one of a multitude of suckage in my life. Despite taking statistics 5 times across 4 universities I still can’t do them. I can interpret an ANOVA table and execute a Chi Square with ease, but ask me to do anything beyond that and you might as well ask me to analyze the dead seas scrolls. This has been a huge impediment in my career because all research requires a sound understanding of statistical principals. If it wasn’t for AC and Mr. AC I’d probably still be in graduate school.

Public speaking? I’d rather be caned in Singapore. The few times I’ve ever had to public speak (mostly in graduate school), it ended abysmally. When I gave an impromptu speech at JSP’s wedding many years ago I was panicking on the inside. Let us never speak of it again. This too has hindered my career. I’m a full-time clinician these days and that’s the way I like it. One on one conversation is my comfort zone.

Oh there is so much more. I can’t drive a stick shift, I can’t wind surf or understand the principals of sailing, I have a terrible memory and cannot recall the details of anything I read or conversations I have (thank god for good chart notes), I never remember names, I forget what people do for a living (JSP, Jordan, 50P? No idea), I don’t how to play chess or poker and to this day I don’t understand the rules/scoring of a football game (“first down”, what the fuck does that even mean?), I suck at all board games and can’t play video games to save my life.

Wow. I’m depressed.

Okay Horrorthonners, I’ve bared my soul to you once again and I expect you do to the same. My favorite HHD topics are those that force people to reveal personal insecurities. Please don’t disappoint me!