The Archie Challenge

In addition to roping me into the Horrorthon contest in 2004, the brothers XPants also got me into their summer Archie contest. Not a contest, really, but a way to express their love of Archie comics.

Basically, to illuminate the corny (albeit adored) formula of stories in the Archieverse, one brother would give the other a single word, around which a short Archie adventure would be written.

My first challenge was "Wedding Chapel." My response is reprinted below. (Yes, I know "wedding chapel" is two words. Shut up.)

Wedding Chapel

Riverdale is all abuzz over the big State Fair. Exhibits from all over are attending. Big Ethel is all decked out in a checkered farm dress when she passes the "Ground Round Wedding Chapel," where they offer a free wedding service if you buy their giant Bucket o' Burgers. "That's it!" cries Ethel, "this'll get Jughead to say 'I do,' I just know it!" She zips into the makeshift canvas chapel, emerging seconds later with a burger bucket so large that looks like someone just sawed a barrel in half. In front of the exhibit next door, Weatherbee's Flower Show, she spots a Fair Staff car, which is a red golf cart with a pickup-like space in the back [JPX and I used to drive such contraptions when we worked at the golf course in Barrington]. She tosses the bucket in the back, among all the flower pots, and tears off in search of Jughead. When she pulls away, she reveals Archie, who was kneeling behind the cart in his Fair Staff shirt, arranging some flowerpots. He looks at the retreating cart with a big question mark over his head. The next panel shows Jughead, also with a big question mark over his head, since he was sneaking a nap in the back of the cart and was just awakened by a giant bucket of burgers landing in his lap.

Big Ethel careens around the fair, asking various members of the gang if they've seen Jughead. We see Betty and Veronica behind the kissing booth, fighting over who has to kiss Reggie. We see Moose and Midge eating ice cream cones. (Earlier they had their photo taken with one of those things that you stick your head through so your face is on top of a drawing. The board is still stuck around Moose's head, with a picture of a Strong Man that isn't as big as him.) We see Ms. Grundy and Mr. Svenson jitterbugging on the dance floor. Each group tells Ethel "no," and when she pulls away they watch perplexed as Jughead lazily waves to them from the back, the pile of burgers getting smaller each time.

Finally Ethel pulls to a stop right in front of Archie, who is standing by the Ground Round Wedding Chapel. Nervously, Archie says "Ethel, I think you're going to need more burgers!" Exasperated, Ethel says "What?! More burgers! Who in the world needs more burgers that THAT?" With that, she turns to the back of the cart, seeing Jughead. He is sitting in the empty bucket, his legs flopped over the edge and his stomach bulging. He has the last burger in his hand, and he says "I do!"